Letting Go of Control and Power
But why do all humans crave for attachments, always
consciously and subconsciously wanting only more and more attachments to define
who they are?
The answer is simple: humans want control and the
power that often comes with control; they all want to control their own
destinies through controlling others and circumstances. But let go of control
to live longer.
Origin
of control
Control is basic human
instinct. Humans are inherently controlling. Out of fear and insecurity, our
ancestors living as early as in the Stone Age strove to control their
environment in order to survive, and thus developing their fight-or-flight
instinct built in the human genes.
Since time immemorial,
control has evolved, and most of us are controlling to a certain extent. We, as
parents, control our children’s destinies by striving to steer them clear of
the wrong pathways we might have previously treaded ourselves. Our culture also
tells us that we should be in control of anything and everything around us at
all times, including our futures and destinies;
controlling, to many of us,
is synonymous with advancement and
independence.
Irony
of control
Stress in everyday life
makes us want to control everyone and everything around us; ironically enough,
in the process of controlling our stress, we may also inadvertently create for
ourselves a vicious cycle of stress-generating-more-stress.
The anticipation of stress
often puts us on an alert system, producing stress hormones. We then have to
make some choices—choosing this, or avoiding that so as to avoid the
anticipated stress. But choosing in itself is stressful, especially picking the
wrong choices, and thus leading to regret and disappointment. Even any
expectation of the anticipated result may also intensify the stress, often
making us do more than what is necessary in order to guarantee the expected
result. Over-doing is stressful.
The irony is that controlling stress may only lead to
getting more stress, and not less. But stress is the enemy of living longer.
Ways
of control
Control may come in many
different forms in different phases in life, and we are all susceptible to
exerting some forms of control. Given that control is basic human instinct, we all spontaneously want to control how
people perceive us, especially if we have an inflated ego-self.
To illustrate, if you ask
a child: “How old are you?”, the child may answer: “Five years and four
months”, while extending his or her four fingers to highlight the “four
months.” The child, in fact, wants to control your perception of him or
her—that is. he or she is “four months” older than other five-year-old kids. If
you ask a teenager the same question, that teenager may answer: “I am now fourteen”—implying that “I’m old enough
to drive soon.” But if you ask
someone in the late twenties or early thirties the same question, that
individual may answer quite differently:
“I won’t tell you; just guess!”—that
individual is in fact trying to control your perception of his or her
real age in relation to his or her appearance. If you ask an elderly person the
same question, that person may be more
willing to let you know his or her real age by saying: “I’ve just turned
seventy!” But that individual may, in fact, also be controlling your
perception: “See, I’m seventy, but I look much younger—probably like a
fifty-year-old, don’t I?”
In a way, we all want to control
how people think of us. Do you like to wear loose-fitting clothing to
hide your belly fat? Do you use heavy makeup to mask your facial lines? Do you
dye your hair to make you look a little younger? Control is about changing others’ perceptions of your
ego-self.
In addition to controlling
how people perceive us, we may also want to control how people act and react toward us by using emotions, such as
anger, fear, and guilt, and including many other negative emotions.
Furthermore, we may also want to control the circumstances we are living in,
thereby controlling what is happening to and around us.
To a certain extent, we
are all controlling in that we all
have an ego-self with attachments that directly or indirectly control how
people think and perceive, as well as how they act and react toward us.
Realities of control
Control is seldom welcome;
rather, it is often received with aggression, alienation, and rejection. In
addition, controlling of self, of others, and of circumstances is, often than
not, out of and beyond any human control.
Divine inspiration
Whatever that is
uncontrollable is divine inspiration with a lesson to learn.
The parable and the real
world
In the famous Parable of
the Prodigal Son (Luke 15), the younger son asked his father for his
fair share of his estate. The father then gave him his fair share. With his
fortune, the younger son traveled to a distant country, where he led a life of
sin, and squandered all his fortune. His financial failure was followed by a
natural disaster in the form of a famine. He learned the hard way that
covetousness would not make him happy. Ultimately, he became penitent and
returned to his father who welcomed him back.
The father was like God,
letting a sinner go his own way, but would welcome him back with open arms if
he becomes obedient and penitent, letting go of his covetousness.
In the real world, we, as
parents, could control our son’s destiny by not giving him his fortune,
or setting up a trust fund so that he might not squander all his fortune. But
there is no guarantee that he might not incur debts and still lead a dissipated
and sinful life with no remorse. In other words, we can control only the money
but we cannot control his destiny or how he squanders the fortune given or made
available to him.
Dark side of control
What is wrong with
controlling others, or even your own destiny? Control has its dark side too: it
expands your ego-self, and thus demanding only many more attachments; control
is also the underlying cause of many human conflicts.
The bottom line: detach
yourself from your ego-self as much as possible so as to let go of some, if not
all, of your attachments in the material world in order to let go of your
control of anything and everything.
Stephen Lau
Copyright© by Stephen Lau
